I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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