Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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