Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
