im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
