He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
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I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
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You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I know her cup size but not her name....
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