Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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