im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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