My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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