my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
