I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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