i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
