A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
