we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
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I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
being pregnant is like rehab
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
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FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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