just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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