If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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