Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Houston, we have a squirter
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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