I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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