Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
