I accidentally had phone sex last night
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
