so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
