i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
