By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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