ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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