I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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