i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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