Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
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