I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
