happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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