It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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