Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
