I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
