These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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