Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
