he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
