Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
