I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
