It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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