Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
