A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
