I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
