Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
