I wish life had little blips of pornography
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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