So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
