it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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