Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Randomize
