College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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