i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
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Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
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I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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