how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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