and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
youre lurking in front of me
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
