The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
