I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I smell like Dick and happiness
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