Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
