if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
