He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
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I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
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Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?