I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.