whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
i just had sex bonerless
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
