my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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