my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
