mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
