Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
