I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
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Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
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Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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