I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
