I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
