never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
