so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
