I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
