I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
