You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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