what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
