I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She told me I should be a condom model.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
