I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
