Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
